November 21, 2009 11:03 PM

I have never been good at keeping a journal and not real fond of the time it takes to keep one up and running, but I am so glad I have been able to keep this blog going, in John's behalf. To have a way to keep everyone informed and then when I see people, I know they are probably aware of what is going on in our lives and then I don't have to deal with the emotions so much. So, here is the latest:

John was admitted in the hospital, in great pain and hardly able to get up with help. He only ate a touch of food for three days and was down to 140 pounds. The morphine was not giving him any relief and the doctors couldn't figure it out. He had such pain in the left rib area, he could not lift his arm up off the bed and it took two people to get him out of bed. He was not able to hold any type of conversation and Lori and I could not even think about talking about the decision we had to make, before the doctors got back to us. They needed to know what his desires were, before they released him from the hospital. He was there for 5 days and just got home today.

Since the morphine was not working, they then decided to put him on another type of pain drug and a pain patch on the rib area and two rounds of radiation to help with the pain. In a short time, he had great improvement. But, a strange thing happened. As the sun began to go down, he started imaging things, like our niece's dog, Lexie was in the room and he began eating imaginary food out of his throw up pan. So, we called the nurse in and she said she thought maybe he was suffering from "Sundowner's syndrome (I think that is what she called it). She said when the sun goes down, it causes some sort of effect on the brain and people do weird things. We were told (thanks, Diane) not to be surprised if he saw people in the room that weren't there and things on the walls. It could have been the heavy drugs, but it was very strange.

By morning, he turn a remarkable turn for the better, meaning he was not hallucinating any more and this pain went from a 7-8 to a 3-4 and his thinking was very clear. So, Lori and I sat down and talked to him about his options of having the doctors make him comfortable and giving him a good quality of life, until the cancer took his life. Or he could start another round of treatment, which has a 15-20% chance of doing any good at all. If he had further treatment, the drugs would not work like they are now and the chemicals could start causing some side effects and making him as bad as he was when they admitted him and in the long run, additional treatment would not cure him, but could extend his life for an unknown length of time. The doctors were not very encouraging on giving him any more treatment, but more for letting him enjoy his time left. They also said not to let his current condition (little pain and feeling pretty good) fool us. That the drugs and meds he is taking is a cover up and not a cure; the cancer will not go away.

But, John surprised us all by opting to have additional treatment. It is a decision that only he could make. There was no way I was going to sway him one way or the other, but my heart kind of sunk when he announced it, because he has suffered so much for almost five months and I am dreading him going through it again and not really certain what good it could do.

But, on the up side, someone has to be in that 15-20% category and why not John? I have heard a few people tell me that John had told them, "I'm not ready to leave Nancy yet". That is quite a profound statement and one that touched me beyond words.

He has never been a quitter and has always been positive about this treatment. I'm sure that many of you have heard him say, "I'm going to beat this thing".

So, we move forward with a new "combo" of drugs on November 30th. The doctor wanted him to enjoy Thanksgiving and without treatment before then, he should be able to have an enjoyable time with family coming in to see him. Young John and his family and our nephew, Jerry and his family will be coming in. I am so happy that they will be able to she John in good spirits and in little pain compared to what he has been like. If they would have come last week, they would have been shocked at how they would have seen him and he certainly could not have held much of a conversation and probably would have spent most of the time in bed.

So, now you have it. I know we will all honor his wishes and support him in his decision. I would give anything to keep him in my life, so I'll just keep doing what I can and hope some of his faith will passed on to me.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and I'll check in after his first treatment.